The Babies
by memory's marionette
Summary: The whole Cahill clan erupts into chaos when they hear some very big news: Natalie is having Dan's babies. Crack!fic. One-shot. Birthday fic for Kaye.


A/N: For my shobe, Kaye! :D Happy birthday, my fellow Octoberian! ^o^ I hope you like this. :D

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><p><em><strong>The Babies<strong>_

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><p>Amy looked on in frustration as countless relatives of hers began to bicker. She had called for a meeting through the Cahill Command Centre to discuss a very important issue, but things weren't working out so well.<p>

"Excuse me," she said, in an attempt to gain their attention. Unfortunately, such a task was hard to complete when your relatives got involved in petty arguments and pointless bickering every time they saw each other—no matter if only on screen and not in person. "Excuse me," she tried again, in an effort to cease the heated discussion on who ate the last meatball during the huge family's last get-together.

She sighed impatiently, her foot tapping to a tune of vexation. This was no good. She had just come to know that an emergency of epic proportions had broken out, and these _imbeciles_ were hardly helping matters.

It should be noted that it did not take much longer before Amy grabbed the microphone and commanded the rest of her family to listen to her in a fit of agitation. "That's better," she said. "Now, if everyone would be so kind as to stop interrupting, let's start the meeting, shall we?"

"What did you call us here for, girlie?" asked a gruff voice. She didn't need to look to know that it came from Eisenhower.

"I was getting to that," she replied. "Has anyone noticed who's missing from today's gathering?"

Many of her relatives simultaneously shook their heads from various locations across the four corners of the globe.

"Her brother and my sister aren't in attendance," supplied Ian from beside Amy.

"Exactly. There has been a slight problem," Amy continued, hoping that her voice wouldn't crack as she told the others her newfound information. "One of our acquaintances has passed along a message to me stating that he had overheard a very suspicious conversation between the—"

"Now, wait just a moment!" boomed Eisenhower's voice. "Why should the rest of us be concerned about those two brats? It's their problem, and even if it escalates into something bigger, you and that Kabra boy—"

"I am well into my twenties, fool," muttered Ian. "Calling me a boy? Hmph. The audacity of it all…"

"—are the only ones who hold any responsibility to solve it," he finished.

"Dude's got a point," added Jonah. "It's none of my business."

"But it's a matter of concern!" argued Amy.

"And why is that?" questioned Alistair.

Amy took a deep breath before exclaiming, "Because this problem may result in an addition to the family!"

Silence filled the room after Amy's outburst, as everyone there sat stunned. Amy took a deep breath. "Our contact told me that Dan and Natalie were talking and the man overheard snippets of their conversation."

"And what did they say?" pressed Fiske.

Amy's voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "That Natalie was having Dan's babies."

All at once, the whole Cahill family erupted into chaos.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"_What_?"

"This cannot be happening!"

"They're far too young!"

Fiske thumped the table to end the uproar. "Silence, everyone!" He looked at Amy who was now clutching her head with her hands, her veins protruding visibly, as though it was a sign of how worried she was. "Amy, are you sure that that was what the contact said? You didn't mishear him, did you?"

Amy shook her head, emitting a soft whimper in the process.

"This must be a misunderstanding. Natalie may not be the brightest bulb in the world and she may get tangled up in nonsense at times, but she would never do such a thing," Ian said confidently.

"If you're so certain, why are you there in Boston, then?" asked Fiske.

"I took the first flight here because I'm worried," Ian replied, ironically enough, with a slight air of nonchalance. "She's my sister, after all, and something is definitely wrong, though I don't know what it is. She has, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, been acting suspicious lately," he admitted.

"Where are the two brats, anyway?" queried Eisenhower.

"As we speak, they're having a rendezvous of their own," replied Amy. "That much we do know."

"I still don't think it's possible. Natalie is on a trip at the moment; she's in New York, shopping up a storm," Ian said. "She wouldn't be in Boston."

"But isn't New York relatively close to Boston? Aren't Massachusetts and New York neighboring states?" asked Alistair, glancing at Ian, whose brows had furrowed into a frown. "The distance is not that far, is it?"

"This is preposterous," Ian replied. "Let's put an end to this tomfoolery." He took out his handphone, dialing his sister's number and promptly switching on the speakerphone mode so the rest could hear their conversation. "Natalie?"

"Yes?" Natalie replied. "What is it, brother?"

"Where are you right now?"

"My location? I'm not too sure. All I know is that I'm on a street in Boston."

"Where exactly in Boston?"

The Cahills could hear Natalie sighing in exasperation on the other end of the line. "Like I said, Ian, I've no clue. The only thing I can tell you about it is that there's a humongous church. It's quite pretty, actually; it would make a perfect venue for a wedding. In fact, I dare say that the groom has chosen very well," Natalie said.

"What groom?" Ian asked, hoping that the panic he felt was not evident in his tone of voice. "Natalie, what in the name of Armani Exchange are you doing at a church?"

"Listen, Ian, I've got to run. The wedding ceremony is starting already." A soft _click _could be heard as she hung up.

"_What _wedding? Natalie? Hello?" Ian turned to look at Amy. "What about Dan? Try calling him now."

"I tried just now, but he wasn't answering," Amy responded, wringing her hands in worry. "What should we do?"

"Really, dudes, what sort of question is that?" Jonah retorted from his holiday villa in the Caribbean. "You gotta gatecrash the wedding!"

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><p>'I just hope that we're not too late,' Amy thought as she bounded up the stairs of the chapel. It had taken Ian and her ages to find the church Natalie had mentioned. This was the last one on their list.<p>

They both ran past the intricate wrought-iron gates, the church's gorgeous red-brick facade and even the enchanting stained-glass windows that decorated the house of worship beautifully, not heeding at all their picturesque surroundings.

Their eyes widened in alarm as they heard a priest read the marital rites. "And I now pronounce you m—"

"We object!" Amy shouted at the same time Ian said it.

The priest held up a wizened hand and said, though not unkindly, "I'm afraid you're too late, my little ducklings. We just finished that part."

"But they can't get married! They're not compatible!" Amy blurted. "They hate each other!"

"I don't care if she's having his babies. They're not getting married," added Ian. "I'm not ready to be an uncle!" he said, the tone of his voice tinted with a small dose of hysteria.

"We do not hate each other!" protested the bride adamantly until her silky black hair whipped around under her veil. "We are very much in love and we _will_ be getting married. And I am not," the bride said indignantly, "pregnant with his babies! I am just pleasantly plump!" She turned to her two friends who were sitting in the front row after lifting up her veil of silk and lace and glared at them. "Dan, Natalie, what's wrong with your siblings?"

Dan glanced at Amy and then at the bride. "Siblings? You're wrong." He glanced at his sister again, whose hair looked like a rat's nest after running around Boston as a frazzled mess. "I don't know them."

Natalie concurred. "I've never seen them before."

Only then did Ian and Amy realize that their siblings were certainly not marrying each other, nor were they having babies of any sort, and that they had just gatecrashed a stranger's wedding; the first two being extremely good news, while the latter… Well, not so much.

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><p>"What was all that about?" asked Dan after Amy and Ian had apologized profusely to the bride and groom. Or rather, Amy apologized profusely while Ian offered a simple 'sorry'.<p>

"Yes, do tell why you decided to interrupt our friend's wedding," Natalie added.

"It's all your fault," Amy replied sourly, "seeing as that you two are having babies and all."

"I'm going to murder that contact of yours," Ian muttered. "My reputation is soiled."

"Natalie really does have my babies, though," Dan said.

"_What_?" Ian whirled onto Natalie. "So you _were_ pregnant?"

"What are you talking about?" Natalie asked incredulously, before bursting out into laughter. "Oh! Oh! I know what you mean," she said through fits of giggles. "You thought—oh my goodness, I can't even—" She erupted into more laughter, having to steady herself using the bench. "Not those babies, you morons! These babies!" And with a graceful motion of her hand, Natalie produced a few dozen weapons from one of the bags she had lugged to the wedding.

"But those aren't babies," Amy said, feeling confused after Natalie piled weapon after weapon onto the table in front of them.

"Hey!" Dan interjected. "Don't insult my precious children!" He stroked a very sharp-looking blade. "They'll be hurt."

"Then why did the contact say that she was having your babies?"

"I didn't say that Natalie was having my babies. I said that Natalie had my babies with her," Dan explained. "And why would I be having babies with her? That's just gross," he said with his nose scrunched up, painting the very picture of disgust.

"And really, Ian," Natalie said, "Surely you know that I have enough taste to not want to be involved with the likes of _him_. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard."

"Then why were you acting so suspicious, sneaking around the house and acting all secretive? And why did you even agree to help him in the first place?" demanded Ian.

Natalie hesitated, knowing that she would get an earful from Ian later. "I sort of went over the credit limit for this month and needed some extra cash. He offered me a commission to bring it here, where we would be attending a mutual friend's wedding." She noticed that Ian had raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "That's all there is to it, I swear."

"I still find it odd that you two would have a mutual friend, though," Ian replied.

Natalie snorted. "Believe me, I was a lot more skeptical when I found out. And," she added, "I still think Dan's more of a jester than a friend, but our buddy begs to differ," she said, shrugging. "I still can't believe that you thought the two of us would be in a relationship of sorts." She closed her eyes, and a slightly pained expression etched itself onto her face. "It's simply unfathomable."

"Yeah, and besides," Dan added, "If we were to get together," He practically spat out the last few words. "Then what would happen to Amy and Ian?" Dan asked, complete with a mimicry of a lovesick person and very believable retching sounds.

A slight blush graced Amy's face. "There's nothing between us."

"Oh, yeah," Dan said sarcastically. "Of course there isn't. That's why you send emails to each other in the dead of night when you think no one else is awake. Or why you secretly talk to each other on the phone during office hours. Or—"

"We do not," Amy replied heatedly.

"Pink elephant in the room, if I ever saw one," Natalie quipped. "In fact, I can't stand to be in the lovebirds' presence any longer." She put her sunglasses on, before waltzing out the door. "I'm going back to New York; I'll be at Prada if you need me. Ta-ta," she said without so much as a backward glance.

"And I'm going to go polish my babies," Dan said, about to take his leave. He shot them a look before he left, his gaze flitting from Amy to Ian. "And _don't_ get any ideas just because you're at a wedding chapel. I'm not ready to hear any news of real _bambinos_ anytime soon."

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><p>AN: I wrote this with insanity coursing through my veins. Just so you know.

I have so much respect for authors who can write well for the whole ensemble of characters. Even four characters is pushing it for me. It's so hard. And so is writing crack! fics. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll get better in the future.

Ciao~


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